What I've Learned About Grief

Six years ago my dad passed away when I was only 15. We are told that grief, in any form, gets easier with time and of course in some cases this is true. My brother and I had just finished a day at school, everything seemed normal and I was really happy with how my flute lesson had gone earlier in the day. Then my world just stopped. Finding out that my dad had died when I had seen him perfectly fine the previous day is honestly the worst thing I've ever been through. I wasn't numb or anything at first, I couldn't stop crying, but then as the days went on I found myself wondering whether it was all actually happening. Like one day I'd wake up and see it had all been a bad dream. I started to think about all the times we'd argued and how I couldn't remember what the last thing he'd said to me was.

I've never talked about my grief properly to anyone really. I've found that by not talking about it, then for a period of time I can pretend like it all never happened. The sad thing is that everyone is going to lose someone they love at some point. It's inevitable. Most of you probably already have. And it's shit. But losing a parent when you're still in school is the very definition of shit and I've only started to process it all now, six years on.

There are times when I don't think about my dad for a good few weeks. I feel guilty sometimes when I'm having fun, particularly at this time of year when it's his anniversary. I haven't cried about it for a few weeks either, yet sometimes I could just be sitting in my uni bedroom and start sobbing and I have no idea why. That's the thing about grief - it creeps up on you when you least expect it. When my friends' are talking about their parents and I just sit there thinking that I only have one now. Or the times when I think about graduation and how my dad won't be there to see me and my brother. He wasn't there when we got our GCSEs or when we both smashed our A Levels. So many things he's missing out on and it's so unfair. He was a musician and would give me that much-needed confidence boost before music exams. Without him, it took me a good while to play again in the way I used to. Whenever we go to Cornwall I think about him and how much he loved the place.

What I wanted to address in this post is how it's perfectly alright to cry and feel like crap when it comes to grief. When Prince Harry came forward a few years ago and talked about how he felt he didn't get the support he needed when Princess Diana died, it made me think about my family's situation. We all tried to just get on with our lives, going on a family holiday way too soon after his death, as if nothing had happened and I now know that was a stupid idea. You shouldn't feel ashamed to admit that you aren't coping well. Sometimes my brother and I would get frustrated that everyone seemed to be asking about our mum but not about how we felt - every type of grief is different but no less important or significant.

Maybe writing this is my therapy. Or maybe I should at some point talk to someone about my grief. I don't know just yet and that's okay. There is no right way to grieve and I've spent the past couple of years realising that. Grief isn't something you can lock away in a cupboard after a few years and pretend it was never there. It will never leave you. You just get better at coping with it and if one day you recognise you're not coping very well, there are many places/ people you can go to for help. Sometimes it's nice to have a good cry - it feels almost therapeutic in a way. I know they'll be times in the future when I'll miss my dad like crazy but life is short, and if this experience has taught me anything, then I know I can't waste my time wishing he could come back.

In the end, grief is something we'll all encounter, whether it be for a much-loved pet, a grandparent or a friend. So maybe talking about it will help us all cope better?